Sunday, November 25, 2012

Sam~n~Syd

 
The girls agreed to a little photo shoot the other day!  I wanted to get pictures for our Christmas card and finally Samie had some free time.  Well we got ready and were about to head out when the sky started turning grey.  Then black!  As we headed to our location we could see rain in the distance and as we got closer we could see that it had rained where we were going.
 
Luckily the rain had gone ahead of us and the sky may have been cloudy but I could still get some good light.  These girls bring their own sunshine with them!
 
My sassy girls…
 
 
111212giving deuces close up edited
 
 
 
111212giving deuces edited



111212hands on chin edited



111212Sam sitting on rail Syd with goofy face edited
 
 
 
111212Samie head shot1 edited
 
 
 
111212Sydney hands near face edited
 
 
 
111212Sitting Syd kissing Samie edited
 
 
 
111212Samie whispering to Syd edited
 
 
 
111212shooting each other edited and with texture
 
 
 
111212Sydney head down with hat edited



111212Syd in chair photo looking down edited



111212Samie and Syd on bridge edited
 
 
 
111212Syd standing at door with hands at hips edited
 
 
 
111212walking away edited
 
 
 
I am so thankful for the blessing of getting to be their Mommy!! 
They are my sunshine, my joy and my heart!
 
 

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Forgiveness

 
I am still struggling for the words to convey what our family went through a year ago.  I have been afraid….afraid of facing the failure I felt, afraid of the reaction of the adoption community, afraid to feel happy ….afraid of so many things.  To actually express it and to put it out there for everyone to see……fear!
 
I have tried to just make it appear as if nothing had really changed when everything had.  So I left out any mention of the dissolution of our adoption of Sierra.  In the adoption community there are two very ugly, shameful words.  Disruption and dissolution.  These two words are often misused even in the adoption community.  Disruption is the cancellation of an adoption of a child before he/she is legally adopted.  Dissolution is to end a legal entity such as an adoption.  Meaning after the adoption has become legal.  Whichever word you use the end of an adoption is highly criticized and not so quietly in the adoption world.
 
While we were in the adoption process I was a member of several adoption forums.  You would occasionally hear of an adoption that ended in a disruption.  In the China adoption process this disruption typically occurred in China as that is where the adoption is final if both parents travel.  The boards would light up with harsh criticism of a parent leaving a child in China!  If anyone dared to try and empathize with this parent they too were looked upon with harshness.  I admit that I would say to myself, “How can a mother just leave her child there?”  Then I would hear the families stories and realize the pain this caused them to make the decision they did and why they made it.  Most had other children to protect and their family as a whole to protect.
 
When we brought Sierra home we never imagined that the adoption would end with a dissolution.  But it did.  I refuse to satisfy everyone’s curiosity and will not go into the details.  We were not the forever family that Sierra needed and deserved.  Was this an easy decision, as so many people call disruption??  NO!!  We struggled with this decision, we saw therapists and specialists, we raged, we cried, we prayed about this decision, we begged God to make it better. 
 
In the end the only decision we could make was to find Sierra her forever family.   Our therapist told us we were not failures as we were doing what we were meant to do.  To be a stepping stone on the way for her to find her family.  So we found Sierra her forever family.  She will forever be in our hearts and we grieve the loss of our daughter. 
 
This post is titled “Forgiveness” because that is the one thing I have been unable to do.  Forgive myself.  The other night I received an e-mail from a very wonderful friend who I have only met on the computer and phone.  I “met” her through an adoption board I was a member of while we were adopting Sierra.  I had just told her again how I still feel guilty that I was unable to make things work.  Her words were what I needed to hear.  She told me several things she experienced in her life and said this…
 
“Satan wants to destroy us and he'll use any means necessary. Guilt or whatever. Only you know for sure, but it sounds like Sierra was a terrible fit for your family. It sounds like you made sure to find a place for her where she fit in. Better for every one involved.
Did you make mistakes. Yes, I'm sure you did. You are not perfect; no parent, no matter how loving, is. But you loved Sierra and wanted to help her. You did. Your family was the stepping stone she needed to find a home where she could fit and get help. Don't give Satan any credit. Ask God for forgiveness for your mistakes, and move on. God doesn't want us to wallow in guilt but to thrive in grace. He loves you and Sierra so much! So do I.”
 
So I am working on forgiveness.  It is still not easy, but He never promised us easy!  With the love and support of my family and friends I will. 
 
Forgive!




Monday, September 3, 2012

Under Construction

Thank you to everyone who has followed us to our new blog home.  I am going to try to keep this blog up to date.  Try, no promises!!  I have had such a hard time putting into words the last few years of our lives.  I am working on a post to do this but it is still very hard to find the words.
 
I am still  pulling this blog together.  I need to make a new header (title area) and also stamp for my pictures. 
In the mean time please enjoy some of these pics from the past few months..
 
 
 
Samie and two of her friends had a photo shoot 
 
Samie, Megan and Josie sitting on steps serious fb
 
 
 
 
Tim went to Alaska to see Timothy and fish
 
Alaska Tim n Timothy
 
 
 
 
Sydney at the pool at Animal Kingdom Lodge
 
Disney-syd at AK pool standing
 
 
 
 
Samie and her BFF Lexi
 
Disney-sam n lexi
 
 
 
 
Syd found Mema’s mink
 
syd in mink



 
Sweet Bailee
 
bailee[4]
 
 
 
 
Grandson JR turned 1 year old
 
JR 1st birthday eating cake 2



 
Love this face
 
JR 1st birthday nose
 
 
 
 
Enjoyed the pool
 
Syd on Sam's shoulders blog
 
 
 
 
First day of school
 
Syd n Sam first day of school 2012


Have a great day!
 
Blessings~