I am still struggling for the words to convey what our family went through a year ago. I have been afraid….afraid of facing the failure I felt, afraid of the reaction of the adoption community, afraid to feel happy ….afraid of so many things. To actually express it and to put it out there for everyone to see……fear!
I have tried to just make it appear as if nothing had really changed when everything had. So I left out any mention of the dissolution of our adoption of Sierra. In the adoption community there are two very ugly, shameful words. Disruption and dissolution. These two words are often misused even in the adoption community. Disruption is the cancellation of an adoption of a child before he/she is legally adopted. Dissolution is to end a legal entity such as an adoption. Meaning after the adoption has become legal. Whichever word you use the end of an adoption is highly criticized and not so quietly in the adoption world.
While we were in the adoption process I was a member of several adoption forums. You would occasionally hear of an adoption that ended in a disruption. In the China adoption process this disruption typically occurred in China as that is where the adoption is final if both parents travel. The boards would light up with harsh criticism of a parent leaving a child in China! If anyone dared to try and empathize with this parent they too were looked upon with harshness. I admit that I would say to myself, “How can a mother just leave her child there?” Then I would hear the families stories and realize the pain this caused them to make the decision they did and why they made it. Most had other children to protect and their family as a whole to protect.
When we brought Sierra home we never imagined that the adoption would end with a dissolution. But it did. I refuse to satisfy everyone’s curiosity and will not go into the details. We were not the forever family that Sierra needed and deserved. Was this an easy decision, as so many people call disruption?? NO!! We struggled with this decision, we saw therapists and specialists, we raged, we cried, we prayed about this decision, we begged God to make it better.
In the end the only decision we could make was to find Sierra her forever family. Our therapist told us we were not failures as we were doing what we were meant to do. To be a stepping stone on the way for her to find her family. So we found Sierra her forever family. She will forever be in our hearts and we grieve the loss of our daughter.
This post is titled “Forgiveness” because that is the one thing I have been unable to do. Forgive myself. The other night I received an e-mail from a very wonderful friend who I have only met on the computer and phone. I “met” her through an adoption board I was a member of while we were adopting Sierra. I had just told her again how I still feel guilty that I was unable to make things work. Her words were what I needed to hear. She told me several things she experienced in her life and said this…
“Satan wants to destroy us and he'll use any means necessary. Guilt or whatever. Only you know for sure, but it sounds like Sierra was a terrible fit for your family. It sounds like you made sure to find a place for her where she fit in. Better for every one involved.
Did you make mistakes. Yes, I'm sure you did. You are not perfect; no parent, no matter how loving, is. But you loved Sierra and wanted to help her. You did. Your family was the stepping stone she needed to find a home where she could fit and get help. Don't give Satan any credit. Ask God for forgiveness for your mistakes, and move on. God doesn't want us to wallow in guilt but to thrive in grace. He loves you and Sierra so much! So do I.”
So I am working on forgiveness. It is still not easy, but He never promised us easy! With the love and support of my family and friends I will.